Empty Nest

You know, I thought I was prepared. I knew it was coming, had indulged in a little weep, and set my face looking forward. Turns out I was fine until my son waved to me from the van containing his furniture. He knew I would be standing at the kitchen door waving, and he turned to wave back. It is one of those snapshots of an instant in time that will stay in your mind always. Then the flood waters rose.

It was one of those moments when you realize that a page in the book of life has turned in preparation for a new chapter. It is hard to explain to your sons sometimes, why it is that you are so emotional. I said that I wasn't unhappy, just sad, if that made sense. Son: Mom, I"ll still be close by. New daughter: Yes, totally. Bless.

The difference though, is that in this moment they are completely in the present and looking forward. For me, it is a kaleidoscope of millions of moments from the past.

 Holding children in your arms, carrying them in your body.

Watching your parents holding your babies.

Dr. Dentons and bedtimes and stories.

First days at school.

And suddenly here you are, in this moment; when this part of your work is finished, and your last chick leaves the nest, fully fledged, an adult (or reasonable facsimile of), and you just hope that you have been enough and done enough for them to be successful in this next step of their journey.  It is a big moment, a moment of mourning and joy, that is overwhelmingly emotional for a mother and may result in a few tears on the chest of said child. I think it is a deserved rite of passage to be allowed to a mother.

I just got a bit spoiled because my last child leaving home has been here a little longer than some. We passed beyond a mother to child relationship, into one between a mother and grown, mature son, who just happened to still live at home, and it gave me the added gift of time and proximity, the loss of which is acute. 

I always thought that at this somewhat advanced age, I would feel wise and confident in myself and abilities. Well...still waiting, and not at all assured that this will happen. I guess every generation feels like the world is changing too quickly and in ways that they don't understand. I am glad that I have wise and loving children that help me interpret our changing world and its technology. Who knew that you would need lessons to use a phone, write a letter or watch a movie without messing up the devices now used for these things. 

So now my sons have sailed the mine-filled seas of relationships and are settled and happy.  I can dry my tears, although chances are there will be more, and look not at the ones who have left, but at the ones who now will fill my nest in a different way; beloved new daughters and grandchildren.

And I guess maybe I don't have to know a lot of things, I just have to be here and love them.